there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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