Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
