you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
