I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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