I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
did i walk over a car last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
