Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
