Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
