i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
