I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
