I just pynch a tree in the face
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
