Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
