AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
