I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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