Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
