see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
farters have to be the big spoon...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
