There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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