i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
