I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
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I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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