i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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