Banned from zoo.
Again?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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