carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
