upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
