yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
