he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
