you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
