I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
