so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
