I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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