He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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