I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
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Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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