imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
