and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
