Everything about him screamed your future.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
