My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
