remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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