everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
