I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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