So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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