I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
