once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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