im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.