I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
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Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
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Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off