I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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