I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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