The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
