We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
