my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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