god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
