yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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