I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
