just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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