im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
