life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think my fart just growled at me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
