____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
love makes seman taste better
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
