btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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