Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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