There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
