i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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