This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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